I had pre-written 'asshole' all over my write message thing. after he shut the phone down on me I was in shock. complete shock & it hurt, a lot.
tried to sleep was a little successful. at sehri time everything made sense and I was grateful to God for giving me peace of mind. Woke up later feeling hurt, numb and strangely still.
was numb all day. tried to eradicate all hopes of recieving any communication from him. worked. we'd argued too much I guess but I'd have appreciated him telling me before this. when Q broke up with me, it didn't feel like this. I was beggining to lose myself in him. still a bit numb... will go out for a walk.
I know I'll get over this soon and I don't want to talk about it. but I feel like, when you're hanging from the edge of a cliff and suddenly you realise that what you're ready to fall for -isn't there- and you do your best to climb back up, regain balance and realise what you were abt to do. I'm feeling that.
had an internal fight with God when I prayed-
I asked you to protect me,
but I didn't know this is what you had
in store for me.
i will never understand
how you work things
but u knew I wanted this.
why give me
all this pain? -
not the conventional way of praying I know. I trust God but why can't He let me have my way?
I'm not ready to let my emotions flow just now. not ready to cry my heart out. Tears escape me now and then. I feel the need to control. why do I always fall in love with illusions?
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