almost screwed

songs i'm currently listening to: dakota (stereophonics), interstate love song (stone temple pilots), burning down the house (talking heads), mother mother (tracy bonham) and plush -the acoustic version (stone temple pilots).

gave my blog a whole new look :) compared to the old one, it's boring but i like it. might make some more changes later.

had a horrible day yesterday, spiritually. on the outside it was another regular day. had a very disturbing conversation with someone the night before. his bitterness, extremely mean generalisations, disregard and contempt for a lot of other individuals working within the same industry was a little too much for me to stomach. i can understand that he wanted to vent out, he had reason to et cetra and it all came out during that (most of the time 'one sided') conversation. by the end of it he seemed much better and in better spirits.

although how can anyone be in better spirits after venting out (negatively) is something that completely baffles me. i end up feeling awful-er.

somewhere in between i felt targeted indirectly and spent yesterday in a high-strung, emotional, confused daze. buried 'guilts' that i thought i'd come to terms with surfaced. i felt like i was on the verge of giving into one of my paranoid phases. the one question constantly circulating in my head was: do i really want to get into something that has soo much dirt to offer as a fringe benefit?

and uh... related questions: do i want to be stereotyped against because a couple of individuals working in the same field happened to completely screw-up their reputations? do i really want to be a part of it all? but most importantly, is that me?

i failed to shake it off on my own. i was paranoid-miserable.

this was too big for me to handle and i ended up contacting 2 people i include in my safe-zone. the kind i can talk to easily and who i know would understand my predicament without my having to state it in so-many-words. you know who you are. i'm glad i did. the angels.

the thing is:

i never let any form of previous harrassment stop me from working. just learnt how to deal with it without accepting it. so why now?

those who know/knew me prior to my entering this field, people within the same industry, know who i am and how i am. the rest of them (note: Spider-people are not co-workers, they're part-family) are just what i'd call another form of co-worker. i work with them, nothing more and nothing less. and i do what i do with honesty and as less bias as i can consciously manage. then, why worry about stereotypes?

to quote a friend: i have my own stereos ;)

most importantly:

i wasn't going to let someone tell me who i was. i define me.