i yelled with happiness this morning when i discovered i could finally access blogger beta. thanks to a sneaky little round-about way patiently explained by summer... it's 2.47am and i'm doing all i can to make it work... but it isn't.not to mention i have pending work and i have procrastinated all that i possibly can.
life has been interesting really. staying at home almost 24/7 i find myself doing more work and am even more busier then when i am at the workplace. the only thing i wish for the burst of energy that i start out with to last longer.
now where do i start? i think i'm nearing exhaustion again. i've been up for almost 3 hours and i haven't typed a single work-related-word. i need to get this over with, i need to. and then i can go to work (safely) and access blogger beta from there.
recent-life: the good, the bad, the nauseatingly-ugly
started walking, moved back to my room, bought new guitar covers and a stand and an awesome electronic tuner, finished some unread books, tried to finish Spider work, made appearances in Images, discussed Deja vu work with friends, met up with people with whom i have some future work, got excited about peeking inside the gate of a haunted house, was disappointed the next day to find out it really wasn't haunted...
... in the middle of all of this were good days and bad days. the bad days were filled with my feeling horrible and nauseated all day, the good days were the ones in which i actually got something done. yes, i keep getting told i shouldn't "over exert" myself but i cant act bemaar when i dont feel bemaar so there. plus, there is much to be done, learnt and achieved.
plus t
he highlight of my past-week was that a firm i had applied to (and desperately wanted to get into) before Dawn offered me a job, twice over, from two different partners ("what would it take for you to work here?"). they dont know what they asking to get into :D hehehe... it did however re-awaken my love for the marketing-corporate world. the best part was, the firm was willing to wait. i mean, can you believe that? suddenly, the world seemed full of new challanges, opportunities for growth and pushing myself to discover my potential more......till a very close friend asked this one fateful question: do really have time for all this?
my answer: no. and plus, i wasn't "ready". i dont think i've paid my dues at Dawn yet, learnt and given back enough to Spider to consider my (full)-time there finished. i know you're not supposed to make work "personal" but really, Spider+Dawn is fa-ma-lee. i cant just abandon them like that. not when i dont have to.
iftar-conversations aren't really 4-sided:
bayl and i had a good coffee-chat today. but before that was the Deja vu iftar with mum and hira. for the record, bayl gets along amazingly well with mum. so iftar was sitting opposite to bayl while mum had a convo with bayl that included ol' mushy+his bookie, bhutto (corn-o), mukh-tar-ra mai (face-star-ra my!), teh-me-na (fold-me-not) dur-rani (fear-queen) and what not. they hadn't started on the clothes and sequins discussion yet, that was reserved for the car-ride.
while i sat there like a zombie, listening to their convo and to mum tell exerpts and stories i've heard a 1,000 times over and analysed (in my head) another 1,000 times over to the point of not-having-an-opinion anymore... mum decided to launch into one of her favorite topics: me.
lil sis, hira decided to join in and needless to say the next half-an-hour was devoted to how i am a spend-thrift (i threaten to spend more money then i do), how i am bad mommy (i dont keep eye on max, his Friskiness escaped out the door 3 times since my arrival back home. teenagers, even if they're cats, are a pain-in-the-arse), how i haven't studied jack for my upcoming exam, how i scared off the teacher (i asked him not to come for one day because i had to go somewhere for "work" related reasons and he never showed up after that), how i haven't made any eid clothes yet, how... well, it goes on and on.
pretty soon i felt like i was having iftar with 2-and-a-half mommies instead of one. i say 2-and-a-half because bayl occasionally tut-tutted and said "you shouldn't" and grinned through it all, so that makes her a half-mommy. the fact that i didn't pretty much come out of my zombie-state and only protested lightly (while grinning) does not mean i enjoyed it all the time. i dont mind, but sometimes... sometimes i'd rather not be the focus of everyones critique. even if its dished out to me flavoured with "humour".
i mean, so what if i dont share the same interests? so what if i'm not perfect? so fucking what?! i am my own person forgodsakes, just because i dont fit in doesn't mean... it doesn't mean... i dont know what it means.
fancy a cup
pa-coffee?:mum and hira went off eid-shopping while bayl and i moved to the cafe area. it took a while to shake off the zombie-ness. got the warm-up from bayl showing me her new ipod-nano which she had shipped via friends at an amazingly affordable price. sometimes i feel so communication-impaired, it frustrates me, in a quiet way. i dont like it. i've never had to deal with it much before. it's becoming more and more frequent.
anyway, getting back, bayl and i started talking. and eventually, i began to un-freeze/come-out-of-zombie-daze, the words came and even though we didn't talk about everything that we could have... we probably didn't even talk about anything super important. but it was a begining. again. i could talk without.... i could focus. for once, my mind and my mouth were saying the same things. the channeling was complete. i couldn't just talk, i could communicate.
i wasn't being judged by what i was saying. it wouldn't make me "cool", i wouldn't be inviting emotional outbursts from the listener, i didn't have to explain myself. i didn't have to go zombie because i was being misunderstood.
i want to go have coffee again.
