the week after

'tis the week after...

the week after the magazine closing officially for the month of july, the album launches, the press conferences, staying up all night in order to meet deadlines. the crazy week is finally over.  it's like comparing it to the after-math of a storm when everything becomes a little too quiet and peaceful.

this week is about new beginings: what do put in the magazine? how to approach it? brainstorm ideas for new columns, put the finishing touches on the old almost-complete projects and get started on the newer ones.  is this a good time to pick up my books and study for the exam i have in december? should i clean my room up off the mess that was accumulated during the crazy-week?

more then all of the above, the week after the crazy week forces me to think beyond just what is happening in my life and i find me asking myself the following questions: how far have i come in life? have i achieved what i set out to achieve? am i focused and on the path towards going where i want to go? should i reconsider my options and settle for somehting else? what have i learnt? have i grown as a person? most importantly, what have i given back? how do i give back?

lets see if i can articulate some of my thoughts well enough:

i've kind off realised that the bar when it comes to 'something meaninful' keeps getting higher and higher with each experience. what may have provided me with a feeling of accomplishment and fullfilment before doesn't when i do it again. and therefore the quest for something meaningful continues... does it ever end?

in cases in which i know i have the ability to do/perform certain tasks extremely well and i dont... it's not out of fear of how the people around me will judge me (i.e. am i really good at it? and so on), it's about meeting one's own expectation and standards of perfection. and not rising upto them. its about knowing how well one can perform and freezing up under the pressure of trying to get it just right.

i really dont know how to conclude this. all i have to say right now is... if one knows what the problem is, the solution to it should be clearer and easier to find. the good thing is, at the point, i'm not running around in circles not knowing where to go. i just need to get over myself and stop being such a bloody scaredy cat.